Friday, February 03, 2006
Forgiven myself
Nights ago as I lied on my bed, a familiar question came into my mind—what would my life be if I were to be selected for OCS 8 years ago? Before that night, I would fall into a cycle of self-rebuke and doubt, where I would start blaming myself: "I should have done better for my BMT...how I wish I were to wear that smart army uniform...my life would be better if I were to be an army officer (but then, how would I know that?)...I should have done better for my interview..." My motivation came from a warped idea that if I were an army officer, I would be better respected by people, and my life would somewhat be better off. Somehow I have come to associate that with who I want to be—who I want to be, not what God wants me to be.
But somehow that night, a sense of peace came over my soul. I just knew that whatever happened in my life is by the grace of God, and it is in His design that my path is as to be such. Where am I now is not my doing—I have done the best I could there and then. For the first time, I thanked God for where I am now on this issue instead of hurling blames and self-pitying statements at Him. I've come to a realisation that His plans are greater than mine; His ways are higher than mine. There is no place for me to ask "why" over things I have no control over, and the proper and best response is to accept it and submit my pride to God. Accepting it not with a grudging heart, but with a joyful spirit.
This is one big burden lifted off my heart. On hindsight, where I am now is not bad; it's great in fact—there are many people wanting to be in my position. "What ifs" will never happen, so why dwell on them? Why not channel all these energy to being in the centre of His will?
But somehow that night, a sense of peace came over my soul. I just knew that whatever happened in my life is by the grace of God, and it is in His design that my path is as to be such. Where am I now is not my doing—I have done the best I could there and then. For the first time, I thanked God for where I am now on this issue instead of hurling blames and self-pitying statements at Him. I've come to a realisation that His plans are greater than mine; His ways are higher than mine. There is no place for me to ask "why" over things I have no control over, and the proper and best response is to accept it and submit my pride to God. Accepting it not with a grudging heart, but with a joyful spirit.
This is one big burden lifted off my heart. On hindsight, where I am now is not bad; it's great in fact—there are many people wanting to be in my position. "What ifs" will never happen, so why dwell on them? Why not channel all these energy to being in the centre of His will?
As I fix my eyes on Jesus
All other things pale in comparison
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